


A Twisted Philosopher

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-17
Updated: 2006-04-17
Packaged: 2019-01-19 22:25:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12419526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: This is really a rubbish story that I just made up. It's purely for your enjoyment. It's a really twisted version of the Philosopher's Stone.





	A Twisted Philosopher

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

So here's the story, I invented it while I was over My friend’s house and we were swimming in her pool and it was too cold so I formed a distraction (the story). I drew up a family tree and everything....it's easier to understand once you see it....it's pretty much a Philosopher's stone spoof.....ya...

So it all starts with my 11 year old great grandfather, Dumbledore (on my father’s side) when he was living in Zimbabwe. He was playing with his invisible pink flying monkeys (that only he can see because he lives in Zimbabwe) when Armando Dipet showed up and told him he was a wizard and that someday would be his successor. (I know all of this because of the monkeys told me...) So he went to Hogwarts and then graduated. He came back the next year to be a Transfiguration teacher

After two years, great grand-daddy Dumbledore realized that he didn't like teaching Transfiguration and became Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Unfortunately, he was too smart and confused the students, so the next month when Armando Dipet kicked the bucket, Dumbledore became headmaster and for the next 40 years, there was no DADA teacher so one day, Tom Riddle (who just happened to be Snape’s brother, but no one knew except them...not even their parents knew...) showed up and asked for the job...

well...Dumbledore said "No, you're a bumbling idiot." 

And Tom was like, "I'll eat your head once you die." Dumbledore just sat smiling "pothead…" said Riddle as he stormed out. As he did, he passed Snape. "Snape! My brother!...Oh, I mean...Snape, my man....yo dawg..." 

So Snape walked into the office holding all of his old O.W.L.'s that said he failed all of his potions exams..."I hate potions...if I ever have to look at potions again, I'll eat someone's body and watch someone eat their head...Oh, Professor Dumbledore, how are you?" and he asked for the DADA job. 

"No, Severus, you can't....but you will teach potions, because it's important to the plot of the sixth book...."

"It'll be you." said Snape referring to his comment that he made only moments ago...

A couple years later, Quirrel stumbled across Voldemort and Quirrel was like, "Hey Voldemort, I mean...Vvvvolddemorrt...g-g-get i-into m-m-my h-head" After that, Quirrel got the DADA job... 

So now that Quirrel has the DADA job, he wants the stone and he hears that the other teachers are helping to guard it. He goes up to professor sprout and says, "Sprouty, my man......woman.....What are you doing to help guard the stone? Sprout says, "I hope my Devil's Snare gets you." 

"Devils Snare! Great, thanks Sprouty!" shouted Quirrel who was now sprinting towards Hagrid's hut. "Hey, Hagrid!" 

"What did you say about my 3 headed dog??!!! Oh...ummm...stupid...stupid... stupid...Oh, and Quirrel, music WILL NOT put fluffy to sleep." Hagrid turns away and Quirrel starts to snigger...Unfortunately, those were the only two parts that he could figure out. So now it's Halloween, and Quirrel is left with no one to talk to but the troll. 

"You know, you smell a lot prettier than you should." 

Sadly, this pisses Voldie off and shouts inside Quirrel’s head to shut up and run into the Great Hall. A few minutes later, Quirrel continues with the plan and releases the troll. "Troll! There’s a troll in the dungeons! Thought you ought to know. (whispering to Voldemort) Wow! That was great fun! I think I want to be an actor!" 

Quirrel, who is so excited about this, actually does faint and is unable to continue the plan of entering the 3rd floor corridor

 

MEANWHILE:: "Hey, Ron, why ever did you call Hermione fat? now we have to go and save her, and in this story, we're not the main characters, so it’s a possibility of death." says Harry. 

"Oh this will be bloody good fun!" smiles Ron, not realizing that the word Bloody does not fit in that sentence very well. They run to the girls’ bathroom and find Hermione eating a Twinkie. She sees Ron and bursts into tears. She runs directly into the troll. 

The Troll’s thoughts were quite clear to Harry, 'I really wish that I had a wand up my nose...' 

Harry's response was, "I believe I can help you with that!!!!!" and shoves his wand up the troll's nose.

"Winflab Livbidosa" and a ray of light shoots out of Ron’s wand, killing the troll. "whoa…" smirked Ron, Looking at his wand.

At this point, the monkeys went on vacation and a huge chunk of the movie is missing...darn. When they return, QUIDDICH!!! 

"Oh, Harry, don't be frightened, Bludgers don't hurt that bad....or do they?" says wood, rubbing his head. And they're off.

Back to Quirrel, who is sitting in the stands. "I wish I had a pony...I wish I had a pony...I wish I had a pony..." 

Snape says, "Whoa...my brother's in his head, and he's trying to jinx Harry...Lets counter jinx it......Is that steak I smell??!!!!" 

"Is it a pony??!!!!" says Quirrel...So Harry wins the game. 

Now, aren't we all so excited that we've reached the climax? Malfoy mutters under his breath while passing Harry and Ron, "Gosh, I wish they weren’t my cousins." 

"Come on, Harry!" says Ron, "Lets go get Hermione." So they get Hermione and head to the third floor.

MEANWHILE:: "Gosh! I hope no one notices me dragging this harp up to the third floor!" says Quirrel. "Wow, a dog! Harpo Playo." and the harp starts to play and fluffy falls asleep.

Now, the monkeys got a little caught up in the devil's snare and missed the parts until they caught up with Quirrel in the potions room. 

"Hmmm...maybe I should throw them all on the floor and the bad ones will leave a hole in the floor and I won't drink it.”� So he did. All he accomplished was breaking the jars and wasting the potions. "Well now what...?" 

Quirrel just ran through the flames and stopped, dropped, and rolled on the other side.

Now here comes Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the chess scene. Ron suddenly has a brilliant idea. "Maybe I should jump off this horse and pretend to like...die." 

Harry pondered the thought. "Okay, go for it!" 

So Ron jumped, "AARRRGGGH!" 

"Wow! Hermione, lets go!" says Harry. They arrive in the potions room. "Reparo" shouted Hermione, and the potions jump back in the bottles. Three are poison, two are wine, one sends you forward, and one sends you back. 

"Hmmm." says Harry, "Let’s try the red one." 

It turns out to be wine and he gets drunk. "Oh darn," says Hermione, "Now I have to kill Quirrel. I mean, Snape. Argh! My scar! I knew this thing would be hereditary." 

Unbeknownst to every one except Harry, Hermione, and Dumbledore, Harry and Hermione were brothers, yes, brothers.

So she drinks the potion and walks through the fire. "Gasp!!!! It's Quirrel! I could never have predicted that!" and out of shock, all of her hair falls out. 

"Hey!" says Quirrel, "I’m bald too!" and he takes off his turban. 

"Oh my God, Quirrel, yet another thing we have in common, you see, I’ve always loved you..." says Hermione.

It was Quirrel’s turn to talk. "You've been in my dreams, Hermione..." and Hermione runs up and hugs Quirrel. She doesn't notice that his arm falls off as a result of it. Then Hermione makes out with him and his face fell off. So, disgusted by the fact that his lips stuck to hers, Hermione faints. 

In walks Dumbledore. "Oh no! My nich! (Aka, niece, for those of you who don't watch Boy Meets World) So everyone is happy now. Except everyone who was trapped in that ruddy challenge-thinggy. 

So in storms Snape. “Drat! I forgot which potion is which! So everyone still conscious drinks random potions, luckily, no one died, unluckily, no one got the right potion.

So Ron, Snape, Dumbledore and Harry all got drunk and were, hence, incapable of rescuing anyone. 

Luckily, Lockhart saves them all and blackmail is the only reason he gets the job next year, but that’s another story...

The End

For those of you who were confused, I have included a family tree.

To start, Dumbledore is my great grandfather on my dad's side...

Dumbledore, Arthur Weasley, and Lucius Malfoy are brothers, and Lily Potter is Lucius Malfoy’s sister only, the others aren't related to her.

Next generation...The Weasleys are all pretty much the same, except for Bill, who we will get to in like a few seconds.

The Malfoy family, so the first child of Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy was Malfoy Malfoy, who was later rejected by his family and thrown into a box on the side of the road labeled free kittens. Next thing you know, along comes McGonagall. She sees the box and says, "Gee, I wish I had a kid...hey, look! Free kittens!" and she raised Malfoy as her own kitten. One day, Malfoy Malfoy just magically turned into Bill Weasley (The only reason people thought that the Weasleys were so poor is because Bill told everyone that he spent most of his life eating cat food...) So then Narcissa had Draco, who was as normal as he is now.

Lily: obviously married James Potter-Granger. Their first born was Harry, and then Hermione. They were so disgusted by her that they disowned her and took the Potter hyphen out of her name and the granger out of theirs...making them the Potter-‘s. 

Oh yes, I’m forgetting to mention the Snape and Voldemort story. Well, Merope isn't really Voldemort’s mother. Eileen prince is. She married Tobias Snape and has Severus. Well, Tobias took her choice of name as let's split up, and walked out. Eileen got over that real quickly and went off to have Voldemort with Tom Riddle Sr.   
Back to Harry Potter-. So, Harry does have children! Well, a child. He and Kreacher couldn't contain their undying love and because of advances in technology, they gave birth to a little child-thing. Well, the child was messed up as well and had a kid with Kreacher as well. The kid was Dobby, so unbeknownst to everyone, Dobby is Harry’s retarded grandson from the future. 

Not sure if the Family tree helped you or confused you more, Let me know what you thought. It's twisted, I know. Don't think of me as some sicko, I was just kidding around.


End file.
